I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize