i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
