you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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