guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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