shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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