I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I will die if light touches me.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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