do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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