i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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