smell my finger.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
