Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
