11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
