im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
