I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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