I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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