Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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