I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
