after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
