remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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