Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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