Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
