Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
