I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
