I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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