Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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