i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
