I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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