i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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