So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
