I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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