The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
then he tried to convert me to islam
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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