booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
