Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
