You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
