This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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