please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
