What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
