is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
