Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
