Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
