i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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