i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
