She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize