I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize