I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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