Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
