Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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