Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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