Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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