I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
