He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize
