did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
40s are totally the cure
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
