if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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