I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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