youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
