discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
