I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
