i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
