my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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